I have a weird problem that I am reluctant to blog about but in the interest of being authentic, I am going to talk about my weight.
Everyone remarks how quickly I have lost the baby weight after both of my kids and this is true. I wrote a little about it in my post about my favorite postpartum products. In that post I also mentioned that I don’t really exercise or eat differently, which is all true. In fact, this is TOO true. I am not reducing my caloric intake or doing a work-out program (I can’t say I’m not exercising at all, because carrying a 30 lb toddler and a 16 lb baby around all day long is definitely some kind of exercise).
But, I am still losing weight. And sometimes it worries me.
I am now below my pre-pregnancy weight from either of my pregnancies and still dropping. All my pants are loose. At the risk of TMI, my underpants are loose, too.
I’m not losing my hair. I have always had milk supply issues while breastfeeding so it doesn’t surprise me that I have supply issues now, but so far we’re having to supplement less this time with my daughter than we did with my son. I take the hair and the milk supply as positive signs, meaning that my body isn’t in some kind of emergency-starvation mode, right?
But still, sometimes it worries me.
I am hungry ALL THE TIME.
I do try to eat as much as I can, but I am on my feet and moving kids here and there constantly, so there’s not always a lot of time to eat. I carry snacks like peanut butter and cheese and crackers with me in my purse. I eat them all the time, and I eat regular meals.
I am not a huge fan of sugary or fatty foods. I do crave sugar and fat sometimes, and when I do crave them I eat them – I don’t abstain. I usually eat a moderate amount and the craving leaves and I don’t have a desire to eat more. I can’t eat a lot of sugar before I get “sugared out”. I have a slightly higher tolerance for fat, but not much. I do love good fats like nuts and olive oil. I don’t avoid anything except high fructose corn syrup, trans fats, and meat (which I do not like).
I guess I am writing this to be honest about my own concern and to ask for understanding.
I am afraid to bring this up to people in real life because this is a very unpopular concern to have.
“What – you have trouble GAINING weight?! SHUT UP!”
I realize that most people have the opposite problem and probably see this as a stupid concern.
But think of it this way: whether you weigh too much or too little, you are concerned about your body, not sure why it is acting differently than it did before, uncertain how to fix it, and wondering if it is affecting your health. That is how I feel, too. It is my problem and I am admitting it.
Maybe I just feel that if I put it out there, on the internets, that I can prove to someone that I’m not doing this on purpose. That I realize this is not some kind of sick contest where we all try to lose our baby weight as fast as possible. That I want to honor my body and I’m not sure how to do it. That I think everyone with a few extra pounds from their babies looks gorgeous and I want to look that way too. That I kind of liked some of my pregnancy curves and I wouldn’t mind if my hips had hung around after the babies were gone. That I wish I didn’t unintentionally stab my kids with my jutting hipbones. That I’d like to have a little bit of comforting mommy-softness for them to remember.
But I am thankful for all the things my body is capable of doing. I am very grateful that it keeps going even when I get very little sleep. I am glad I am strong enough to lift my kids and their enormous double stroller, and the groceries, in and out of our car. I am blessed to have a husband who loves me the way I am, with my ever-shifting shape. It’s like he married several different bodies, poor guy!
The moral of this story? Maybe it’s acceptance. Less judging each other for our sizes. More loving our bodies, with or without curves. Me learning to eat more or something. I don’t know – what do you think it is?
UPDATE: If it makes anyone feel any better, I still have the post-pregnancy belly pooch, regardless of my weight. I don’t care how small you are, I don’t think anyone can escape the pooch if you’ve had two babies in two years.